The best policy?

'Honesty' isn't coming across really anymore - I mean it is, all of the good things I experience about here I definately talk about honestly, but I said that I would write a blog for good and bad. I am missing out the bad things now. I think I felt like I had moaned and whinged too much at the beginning of this 'adventure' and I had better be more cheerful now on... also I am coming home for a holiday (2 weeks today by the way) and I should be happy about that - but I am having a pretty bad day or 2 (again) So I am going to be honest and write about it;

Following on from the good weekend I had, Sunday afternoon (I was still at Marias) I got a really, REALLY, bad pain in my stomach - possibly the worst stomach pain I have ever had - I am not going into detail but it cleared up anyway and I felt fine later on. Yesterday though, it was a little sore - not much but enough for it to be on my mind and therefore enough to get me worried. My back has also been really painful again today (for those who don't know I get very bad back pain pretty regularly) I apparantly have a couple of joints in my spine that seem to enjoy nothing better than becoming inflamed, and when they do the surrounding muscles spasm to protect the joints. It lasts anywhere from a couple of hours to weeks - anyway it's really hurting me right now and it's really getting to me. I am crying now whilst I am writing this - but not proper tears because I am not sad, it's because of the SHEER FRUSTRATION I am feeling!

I can't sit down here (or anywhere) for more than 5 or 10 minutes before I have to get up and walk around, or stretch or lie down... I have so much to do and I can't get into it because I can't work for long enough. I am so mad at the time I have lost today just waffling around the room, feeling sorry for myself and hating my stupid spine. I have a meeting tomorrow about 1 project (the RYCONS) and I haven't done enough for it - and I also really need to be getting on with the animation project and that really requires concentration and I just can't right now.

I can't prevent it happening as there is not a particular thing that sets it off - the doctor 'advised' that I should stop training and stick to things like Yoga but NO WAY - the only thing I really love to do as an active hobby is to train at Hans' MMA class back home and go to the gym - it's been a part of my life for years now. I can't give it up and I won't. They said the next step if it keep getting worse would be to have steriod injections in my back but I said I wanted an x-ray first - I don't want to do that before I have 100% diagnosis that what they said is the problem IS the problem and they need to do an exray for that - too expensive you see, they would rather just give me the needles. I hate needles.

I am well aware that the more stressed I get the more aggravated my back will become but it cant be helped. I miss Hans, he always makes it better and when it gets really bad he is there to give me a massage or an elbow (the physio advised that when it spasms, somebody can help by putting their elbow in the centre of the muscle and put all their weight on it - it REALLY hurts but after a minute or so it causes the muscle to release and it really helps) I have only 1 codeine tablet left (again, one of the few things I have found that temporarily eases the pain) I have just been to the shop and bought hot chocolate and muffins so maybe comfort food will help. I think I am going to have to take the tablet too.

To make matters worse, I have still not received the grant from the Erasmus fund - I am almost half way through it's ridiculous; if I had not worked all summer I would be pretty screwed right now. It seems the problem has been lack of communication between the 2 schools, but I think it's pretty poor. I had an email back and been promised it'll be sorted next week... we'll see.

Right now I just wish I was home and I had never come on this exchange.