I have just had a tough couple of days I guess, and as before I am not sleeping very well. I think it's because when I eventually switch everything off and turn down the lights and wait for sleep to come, that's the time when I feel most alone here. It hits me again every single night that I am in a strange (and horribly thin) bed, without the familiar warmth of Hans behind me. I have to fight not to get back up and do something - I have even started to get dressed a couple of times with the idea of going for a walk (and even a run) before I realise it would be pretty dangerous to do that at 2 or 3 in the morning. I love night time anyway, I really do - I always have... everthing looks so beautiful and there is a silence that you never get in the day. No-one is around. And feeling so restless coupled with such wonderful nature here in Norway is a bad mix - I often want to walk and be outdoors when it is dark more so than when it's light. Maybe it's one of the reasons I love winter more than Summer.
When I was around 19 or 20 I think, I used to go out every week with a couple of friends and particularly in winter I used to feel the same as this - the problem back then was I was drinking too (and as certain friends can testify) I occasionally used to leave the clubs and decide I was going for a 'walk'. I never knew where or why but all I had in my head was a desire to be on my own and leave the town, streets and houses behind - I just wanted to walk and find countryside, fields, trees - no idea what I would have done if I ever got there.
I think its one of the reasons I want to work for myself too - I hate the day sometimes for taking my nights away from me! I have energy at night and always without fail get the majority of my work done between 8pm-2am. I could work later too if I didn't have to be up to fit in with the 'normal' working day.
If I am honest, I am starting to resent feeling like this. I am somewhere I have always wanted to be (though not in the circumstances I would choose) and I am trying to find something (or someone) to blame my restlessness on. I was always so independant so why am I acting like such a wet sock??? I just feel like I want to disappear sometimes.
I start back on the course tomorrow - I am looking forward to it I guess - not only for having work to do so I keep busy (and therefore time goes quicker) but also to be out and about and doing stuff. Since I got back from my holiday in England I have been pretty much stuck in this room - I have been to the gym a few times and seen a couple of friends but it's not enough. You need to keep occupied. I guess thats my problem. I hope it is anyway!
Anyway, I am going to leave it at that
4 comments:
If your trying to fill your time have you given anymore thought to what you were going to do for my brothers business cards for his Gas Heating Engineer/Plumbing company ???
Dude you are so not a wet sock! Over thinking is just your style & your Jonsing for your fit guy... but @ least you have someone only a web cam away doing the same thing, counting the seconds till he gets to be with you again. That would certianly warm my heart in the winter :-)
Keep well & when your back in the UK I will have to show you guys around "The Chase" No-one is around for miles in the winter. It was me & my Dogs favourite place to just be & chill.
Drew Out
I hope you feel better soon, Bek, I remember those times, but you are not the same person as back then (and you don't have Phils hallucinogenic cocktails to make it worse;))
I think I can understand though, I prefer the night too, and know how lonely that can be, try not to be too hard on yourself mate, you are allowed to feel this way. xxxx
Chin up sugar only 45ish days to go, and I might be able to cut that short as clawed, screamed and bit myself to another couple of holidays in december. So i'll likely turn up atleast a day earlier (flights pending).
And, fyi. Not sleeping very well since you left either. And not just cause you're that bufferzone that stops me going diagonal and upside down/ hanging off the bed and whatnot..
Please don't go walkabout in the middle of the night.
Love you fluffybunnykins X
Thanks guys for your comments, it all means alot. The Chase sounds awesome Andy, and Hannah - in some ways I miss those damn cocktails ;)
Thank you too, Hans. Don't worry - I promised I wont go on any silly wanderleis and I meant it :)
Be AMAZING if you could come here a day or 2 early... I will try not to think about that though, let it be a nice surprise!
Love you too xxx
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