Monday, 3 November 2008

Don't you just hate it when... try and talk to someone about something and they completely brush it off? I do. Really bugs me and makes and already tetchy mood worse..... nevermind.

I have just had a tough couple of days I guess, and as before I am not sleeping very well. I think it's because when I eventually switch everything off and turn down the lights and wait for sleep to come, that's the time when I feel most alone here. It hits me again every single night that I am in a strange (and horribly thin) bed, without the familiar warmth of Hans behind me. I have to fight not to get back up and do something - I have even started to get dressed a couple of times with the idea of going for a walk (and even a run) before I realise it would be pretty dangerous to do that at 2 or 3 in the morning. I love night time anyway, I really do - I always have... everthing looks so beautiful and there is a silence that you never get in the day. No-one is around. And feeling so restless coupled with such wonderful nature here in Norway is a bad mix - I often want to walk and be outdoors when it is dark more so than when it's light. Maybe it's one of the reasons I love winter more than Summer.

When I was around 19 or 20 I think, I used to go out every week with a couple of friends and particularly in winter I used to feel the same as this - the problem back then was I was drinking too (and as certain friends can testify) I occasionally used to leave the clubs and decide I was going for a 'walk'. I never knew where or why but all I had in my head was a desire to be on my own and leave the town, streets and houses behind - I just wanted to walk and find countryside, fields, trees - no idea what I would have done if I ever got there.

I think its one of the reasons I want to work for myself too - I hate the day sometimes for taking my nights away from me! I have energy at night and always without fail get the majority of my work done between 8pm-2am. I could work later too if I didn't have to be up to fit in with the 'normal' working day.

If I am honest, I am starting to resent feeling like this. I am somewhere I have always wanted to be (though not in the circumstances I would choose) and I am trying to find something (or someone) to blame my restlessness on. I was always so independant so why am I acting like such a wet sock??? I just feel like I want to disappear sometimes.

I start back on the course tomorrow - I am looking forward to it I guess - not only for having work to do so I keep busy (and therefore time goes quicker) but also to be out and about and doing stuff. Since I got back from my holiday in England I have been pretty much stuck in this room - I have been to the gym a few times and seen a couple of friends but it's not enough. You need to keep occupied. I guess thats my problem. I hope it is anyway!

Anyway, I am going to leave it at that
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